Three years ago I was a poor graduate student a few semesters away from finishing my masters degree in clinical social work. I randomly posted to Reddit offering to help people improve their dating profiles with the hope that I’d earn a couple of bucks and be able to buy some groceries… and now I’m a professional dating coach and a PhD student.

I’ve learned SO much about online dating these past three years, and to celebrate the third birthday of Advice by Chloe I’d love to share a bit of the insight I’ve gained with you.

It’s Not You, It’s Literally the App

Ok, look, here’s the thing that fiddles my faddle: I’ve met with hundreds of clients who genuinely believed they were too ugly for online dating and 99% of you just aren’t.

Please, please, please listen to me: your match rate is not a reflection of how worthy or valuable you are as a partner. It is not a reflection of how attractive you are, how interesting you are, or how good you are at boinking.

Unless you’re an extreme outlier, the only thing your performance on the apps is measuring is: whether or not you understand the intentionally confusing algorithms and how effective you are at marketing yourself to your intended audience.

Dating apps try very, very, very hard to convince you that they have an altruistic desire to help you find love and orgasms. In reality, they literally only care about profit. They need you to spend money and they use your human desire for connection as a sort of fucked-up mirage to get you to do it.

The truth is, dating apps are absolutely not what they advertise themselves to be. They can be pretty predatory and the experience isn’t really enjoyable for anyone. However, they can work for most people if you’re willing to see through the illusion and recognize it for what it is: a marketing campaign.

TLDR: Dating apps aren’t dating. They are a tool that you use for the purpose of obtaining dates. You wouldn’t try to eat a toaster; it’s a tool you use to make toast. Dating apps are toasters. If your toaster kept burning your toast you wouldn’t assume you’re too ugly for breakfast. You’d just fix the toaster.

Effort Yields Rewards (most of the time)

The best analogy I ever heard about online dating is, “For men, online dating is like trying to find clean water in the desert. For women it’s like trying to find clean water in a swamp.”

I really, really wish I’d written it, but unfortunately it was some rando on Reddit who deleted their account so I can’t give them credit. It’s fantastic, because it is absolutely true. Online dating is tough for everyone, but in very different ways.

Straight men & gay women: Your primary issue is usually a distinct lack of quality matches. You swipe for days and maybe match with 2 scammers and a prostitute. I can understand the instinct to blame yourself or your prospective matches, but remember what we talked about - the app was designed to be difficult enough to require you to spend money.

What you need is great photos and a fantastic bio. I’ve been doing this for three years and I’ve had less than 5 clients who didn’t need most of their photos replaced. What makes a photo effective on a dating app is different from what makes it effective on social media. Focus on clarity and showing off your most attractive features. The number one reason women swipe left is uncertainty. Clarity is vital.

Straight women and gay men: Your primary issue is usually getting the right kind of matches… and when you’re getting potentially hundreds of matches per day, trying to sort through them feels like a full time job.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to eliminate likes from people that aren’t compatible with you because most men don’t read bios until after they’ve matched with you. Instead, we need to focus on increasing the number of likes you receive from people you are compatible with. The strategy is a combination of behavioral psychology and great photos. The number one reason men swipe left is lack of attraction, so make sure to show off your best features.

I see about 30 clients a week, which adds up to almost 5,000 clients so far. I have clients who have abs, who are overweight, are 6’3 or 5’3, clients who are stylish and clients who seem to only own ratty gym shorts, clients who are stumped as to why they’re able to get dates in person but can’t make online dating work for them, and clients who have never seen a boob in real life.

The vast majority of them were able to get the match rates they were seeking when they put in the effort to get better photos, reworked their bio, and practiced their communication skills on the apps. There are certainly people who aren’t great candidates for online dating, but they aren’t as common as you’d think.

TLDR: For most people with realistic expectations, effort yields results.

Your Mental Health is Infinitely More Valuable Than Titties

Online dating is terrible for our mental health. Like, really. There’s a lot of data that shows online dating is associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness. It makes sense - when you’re trying your best, putting in loads of work, and getting rejected constantly, it can really mess with your self esteem.

First, and most importantly, it bears repeating: your value as a person and as a romantic partner is NOT measured by your success rate on dating apps. It’s just not. I promise, it’s really, really not. Whether you hire me or not, please walk away knowing that dating apps are unfair at best, predatory at worst, and have absolutely no ability to measure whether or not you’d be a good romantic partner. Trust me, I've got a Master's degree and half a PhD in this shit. So let’s just take that fear and throw it very far away from here.

Second, and also most importantly: if you’re not ok right now, a dating app is the last place you need to be. Don’t let some stupid app make you feel bad about yourself. Seriously, this is hard stuff - take some time, gather your resources, and come back to online dating when you have the tools to make it work for you. Don't worry, I'll still be here if you need me ;)

TLDR: Online dating is tough. If you’re feeling depleted, take a break. Also, you’re probably a perfectly fine person.

When It’s Real, It’s Usually Easy

Most of my clients come to me with issues on dating apps, but I also frequently hear from clients that are desperately clinging to a relationship that clearly isn’t working.

They’ll send me pages of text to read through, tell me long and complicated backstories, and then ask me what they can do to make the relationship work.

My response is almost always the same: “Do you just want me to help you get them back, or would you be open to a discussion about whether or not reconciling is in either of your best interests?” Most of the time, they just want the relationship back. It makes me really sad.

Relationships are challenging. It’s hard to invite another person into your personal space and integrate them into your life. However, there’s a distinct difference between the normal adjustment period in most relationships and toxicity.

I’ll be honest, I’ve always been more of a casual dater. It’s difficult for me to trust someone enough to fall in love… but when I fell in love, it was easy. I had spent so much time in previous relationships trying to force myself to be happy that I was stunned by how natural it felt when it was right.

It was like breathing clean air. I felt supported, valued, and understood. I didn’t have to convince myself that this was what I wanted or spend hours debating whether or not some part of their character was worth the trouble. It was simple. It was powerful, and it was beautiful.

If you’re in a situation that is so complicated you need various flowcharts and a bunch of sticky notes to explain it, or it’s so toxic that you’re having multiple arguments per week, or one of you is so ambivalent about it that it requires pleading and guilt trips to keep it alive… is it really worth it? Are you fighting for your partner or against being alone?

A bad relationship may feel better than the unknown in the moment, but it almost never is. We both know that this situation is likely to implode at some point. Why waste another 6 months or 6 years in a situation that makes you unhappy? If we fought for ourselves as hard as we do for an unhealthy relationship, we’d all be a lot better off.

TLDR: Relationships aren’t always easy, but they shouldn’t make you miserable.

Conclusion

I’ve learned a lot in the last three years. I assumed when I started Advice by Chloe that most of my clients would be primarily interested in getting laid, and while I certainly have clients who come to me to learn how to find hookups, most of my clients are searching for a genuine connection. I love my job so much. It’s just so fucking wholesome. I can’t really express how privileged I feel to be a part of thousands of love stories. Truly, it’s amazing to witness.

At the same time, it can be challenging to watch my clients fall into toxic relationships or watch their sense of self worth rise and fall depending on their performance on the apps. It’s brutal, because I often feel torn. My clients hire me to help them with an objective, even when their pursuit of it is clearly unhealthy for them. It can’t be my role to be their dating consultant and their therapist. The best I can do is suggest an alternative and encourage them to seek counseling.

So, to whoever is reading this, as someone whose income literally depends on people using dating apps, be kind to yourself. If that means taking a break from dating, then take a break from dating. If it means deleting dating apps for good, then do it.

Your wellbeing is worth so much more than… well, pretty much anything else. There’s no time limit. Give yourself a month or six if you need it. And, of course, if you’re ready to get back on the apps and you need some support, feel free to reach out.

Sentimental Gushiness

On a personal note, Advice by Chloe has been my one constant during some pretty major life changes. It’s weird - when I think of that terrified girl who accidentally started a business because she was poor and hungry, she doesn’t even feel familiar. It’s like half-remembering a dream. She was so scared and so lost and I can’t really express how grateful I am for everyone who made it possible for her to create a business she loves and start the process of building a life she’s proud of (She’s going to stop talking about herself in the 3rd person now, I promise).

We’ve all had a really tough few years. We survived a world pandemic and we’ve almost certainly loved someone who didn’t. We’ve had to really look at ourselves as individuals and our society as a whole as we watched horrific acts of violence and selfless acts of love. I’m sure a lot of us are still figuring out how to live in this new world with the emotional baggage we’ve accumulated the past few years. I know I am, and I’m really grateful to have a job I love that I can take with me wherever I end up.

I guess I just want to say, cheers to us for making it this far, and cheers to Advice by Chloe on its third birthday. I love you guys.

Most sincerely,

Chloe